rines

What an awful feeling it is to record that you’ve put on even more weight!

 I’ve been making so much progress… I’ve tackled my anxiety and I’m getting back to the gym so why have I put on weight??

The answer to that is easy… LIVING BACK AT HOME!!! Back with mum who makes the best food. I just can’t help myself. And then there was Easter! Don’t even get me started. Most years I would get a couple of bunnies and not even eat them. I don’t even like chocolate. Well I didn’t used to anyway! Since I’ve been sick I have been an absolute pig. Apparently food is an addiction which I use to hide my suffering. But I’m suffering more by being a piglet. Thus the cycle continues…

 Den’s dad bought us an entire shopping bag FULL of chocolates- bunnies, eggs, bilbies… all sorts and everytime Den pulls it out.. I want one (or ten)

 Anyway, over the Easter weekend I moved back in with the boys- so I’m hoping we’ll be seeing a loss rather than a gain coming up soon! I actually hit 67kg but have since lost a kilo being back with the boys. I picked up my gym shoes and I’m ready to rock. I bought all healthy food for the weekly shopping- you should have seen Den’s disappointment haha!

 Need motivation. I was going sooooo great with Chelsea and now she’s just found out she’s pregnant! (Congrattttsss!!) So I’ve lost my bud and I’m too scared to go. She was such a great help with the heart and anxiety issues and she’s still pushing me to go. So will try my best at the gym tonight…

I really didn’t feel like going this morning. Its a hot summers day in Perth and I was secretly hoping that Chelsea would call up and cancel so I didnt have to go either…

This morning my boyfriend and I went over to the shop where I bought ANOTHER book… Seriously I just cant help myself. I have so many books on all the stuff thats important to me- ie. fitness, health, diets, hormones blah blah blah. So I got another one. This one’s called ‘The Diet Bible’. My justification to Denis and myself- ‘it looks good’. Thats my excuse everytime I spend money. Meh.. it could be spent on much worse things I guess. Alcohol, drugs… I dunno!

Following my purchase, Den and I went over to the sport shop where he bought some stuff for cricket (he plays A grade) and THEN believe it or not, we went to Gloria Jeans and had a pig out! I was sitting there feeling kinda stupid really. I’ve just purchased a health book and my boyfriend some sports gear and here I am drinking a de-caf skinny latte with (get this!) whipped cream and caramel on top along with a sausage roll. Den suggested it so I follow. And its not doing me any favours.

We get home from the shop and theres a message on my phone from my buddy Chelsea saying she’s still sick and sorry that she cant make it to the gym for our scheduled workout today. Still full from my pig out I think ‘Yay! Another excuse not to go!’

I sat there and thought to myself…. whats happened to that skinny girl you once were? How did u get this fat and lazy? Ok you’ve gotten sick, fair enough but what you are doing to your body now isnt fair. Your body has worked with you to fight this illness and the way you repay it is to treat it like shit, eat garbage and laze around….

So I got changed, grabbed my gym bag and headed off to what once was my second home but is now one of the most scariest places on this planet.

Throughout my whole workout I was monitoring my heart rate, freaking out about stupid things… but I kept going- which is a huge achievement! My workout today consisted of 20 mins on the treadmill, 10 on the cross trainer, 20 minutes on the normal bike and 10 mins on the horizontal bike, push ups, crunches and a cool down.

I felt very empowered by my workout. And after that I went and sat in the class room. No classes on, so I just lay there looking up and the ceilling. It looking so familiar. I thought back to the early gym days… where i was the little body combat chick only 13 years old. I’ve grown up at this gym. Its been a huge part of my life since early high school. I shouldn’t be scared, I thought, I should just work my way back into things. I love this place and its been there for me- my escape. Nothing should change. I’m getting better ever so slowly and I’m going to get my fitness back too- I’ll be dedicated for as long as it takes plus forever…

Its the worst feeling sitting there and wondering how how you got this way. That’s where I am now… What happened to the fit and skinny chick that was the queen of combat and step classes. I was going to be an instructor. Everyone wanted to be as fit as me and be as passionate as I was about exercising.

The last year has been hell for me. Being unwell has caused me to gain an significant amount of weight and I have gone up 2-3 dress sizes. I feel disgusting. I look in the mirror and all I see is FAT. Gross flabby bubbly FAT! And I want it to go away so bad.

 I have a wonderful boyfriend who through all of this has never stopped telling me that I am beautiful. But he didnt know me before. He didnt know me when I was the skinny girl. It breaks my heart that he has to be seen with a gross looking girlfriend.

So how in the world did I get this big. One stupid mistake. Taking birth control pills. It was the biggest mistake of my life so far and it nearly killed me. From starting the pill at 17, the weight started to creep back on. 1 kilo a year perhaps so it didnt really bother me. I would eat better than I did before and exercise more yet the weigh refused to budge. At 57kg I got off the pill and then shot up to 60 kilos where I stayed for about a year despite my efforts to lose it.

Last May I decided to get back on the pill- Yasmin which is meant to stop you from putting on weight. Anyway I had very adverse effects form this pill- to the point where I couldn’t walk or basically do anything for myself. In and out of doctors surgeries, specialists and hospital there was no way in the world I could even contemplate exercise and when I did attempt it- because not even my health problems could keep me away completely I would feel like death for the next week and my progress which I had been making just disappeared.

So I stayed away from the gym in order to get better and soon developed a fear of the place, being there by myself and what exercise could do to my heart. (Note: I was also diagnosed with panic disorder during this time)

Over the past 8 months I have gotten better. However, I am no where near my full health as yet but I have started going back to the gym doing very light exercise. From starting the pill to now, I have gained nearly 30lbs. The thought of which disgusts me.

 Its easy enough to lose weight when you just go to the gym and work your ass off. I have no problems with that. With me its more of an issue with my health problems and my panic disorder. How do you muster up the courage to go into a place that you once loved but then made you feel like death??? I’m struggling. I truly am.

 Also during this time it has been uncovered that I have what is known as estrogen dominance as well as adrenal fatigue. Both are hormone imbalances which causes you to gain weight and have trouble losing it. How lucky for me. So my weight just keeps going up and up!

 Right now I hate myself so much for becoming this way and I’m trying my best not to get it get any worse. I’ve been trying to get to the gym- but its hard. It really is. So that’s why I signed up here- to get the motivation. I’m hoping other people’s success will help me muster my courage and lose the weight!!!